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With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, many of us have love and relationships on the brain. When we think about relationships (casual or monogamous), usually thoughts about sex and the role it plays in your romantic relationships aren’t far behind – questions like: am I having sex enough?
In order to get a better sense of what may be considered a normal and healthy sex drive these days, I asked four experts (or sexperts) for their opinions about what constitutes a normal sex drive.
More than once a month…
“Everyone wants to know if they are having a normal sexual relationship, and what I say to my clients is: most importantly, if your sexual relationship is good for you and your partner then it is good and normal. In our 30s, we might generally expect a desire of (having sex) more than once a month,” advises Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, marriage and family therapist and author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage.
Related: What Happens When there is Unequal Sex Drive?
Once or twice a week…
“Most married couples have sex about 1.5 – 2 times a week after the newlywed phase,” says Dr. Noel Goldberg, licensed clinical psychologist. “IF the sex is satisfying and life doesn’t get in the way, based upon norms, this would be considered appropriate. There is always variability but if both partners are happy with the quantity and quality, this could be considered a healthy sex drive. Underlying issues could be communication issues, relationship problems, and young children taking up energy…
“There is an enormous range, both from week to week, and woman to woman,” advises Arianne Cohen, author of The Sex Diary Project: What We’re Saying About What We’re Doing. “Many women in the 30s and 40s bracket are less concerned with frequency, but want high-quality sex, and are more content to have it once or twice a week, but expect it to be orgasmic.”
Two or three times a week…
“This has been asked many times before, in various sex surveys/questionnaires. I (and the surveys) would say that the majority of Americans in their 30s and 40s want to have sex with their partner 2-3 times per week,” advises Dr. Eric Grasser. “Healthy sex drive depends upon multiple factors. We cannot ignore the essential relationship here between body, mind, and spirit. For a healthy sex drive, all three need to be healthy.”
Who doesn’t need to spice up their bedroom routine every once in a while? You love your partner and assume he’ll initiate sex, so it’s all good, right? Not so fast! Did you ever think about what YOUR role is…what you could be doing to turn up the heat? We did, so we asked renowned sex expert and family therapist Dr. Jane Greer. She says women COMMONLY make THREE MISTAKES in the bedroom:
Mistake #1: Comfy Clothes
I know, ladies, that you want to be in those those comfortable nightgowns, those comfortable jammies, that you wear. But, honestly, the quickest turn-off to your partner or spouse are your comfy clothes. So, if you want to spice things up in your love life, shed those comfy clothes and find a ice, hot bra or a nice nighty, something you can be slinky, sexy and comfortable in that will be a TURN-ON to your partner.
Mistake #2: NOT Taking the Lead
Don’t wait to get asked to dance, meaning you’ve got to take the lead. You don’t have to wait for your partner to ask you to have sex or make love with them. Get involved, get into bed, take the lead and get your partner into bed with you. You’ll both have a lot of fun and enjoy yourselves.
Mistake #3: Criticism
It’s to be avoided at all costs. Nothing will turn off your partner faster than you telling him what you DON’T like and what you don’t want taking place. On the other hand, what will be a complete arousal and turn-on is letting him know what he CAN do to please you and what will excite you if he does it.
So, tell him what you like, wear those sexy clothes and, most importantly of all, take the lead so that you can have the fun you’re looking for!